Seek and Destroy

Were these ever an actual way to commence a demolition or just another cartoon creation?

Although it's a passing feeling, destruction can satisfy in the moment more than the creation of any one thing.  Sure, building a 20,000 piece Lego recreation of the Death Star results in a sense of accomplishment and pride, but can that really match the momentary high of tossing that plastic Death Star into a canyon filled with angry alligators on a plastic diet?  Since the overwhelming majority of us don't moonlight as the "pushing the down the lever that collapses old stadiums and buildings" guy, the opportunity to harmlessly destroy items comes up too infrequently.

For those reasons, I cannot blame the decorative-squash-smashing teenage hooligans who celebrate Halloween as if it were Billy Corgan appreciation night at the local minor league ballpark.  Instead of getting my kicks by intentionally ruining a child's day like a complete sociopath, I decided I would create my own jack-o'-lantern to then destroy it in a controlled and adult operation......by blowing it up with fireworks or power tools like a professional adult.  This plan sounded perfect at the beginning of last week until I decided realized I missed Halloween, and it was November 1, and also that pumpkin tastes like sauteed mahogany.  Therefore carving and smashing a watermelon would provide much more deliciousness and less embarrassment for the fact that I had missed a predetermined and well-marketed holiday.  I should've really put together that the Halloween marathon I was watching probably meant something other than assuming Jamie Lee Curtis had passed away.

As the old saying goes, when life hands you melons, make - SHARKS.  I carved mine from a seeded and little past season watermelon.  I named him Roger.  He's 13 inches tall, a Scorpio, and his favorite dance is the merengue.

We're going to need a bigger melon.

Clearly he is too cute, and drunk...

If you see a fin in the water, run and save your bourbon.

to mercilessly smash in my backyard.  So to recap here are how my plans for this entry have gone.

First Idea: Carve a pumpkin.  FAIL!
Second Idea: Smash that pumpkin watermelon.  FAIL!!
Third Idea: Buy a calendar and remember holidays.  FAIL!!!
Fourth Idea: Find something else to smash.  FA - at this point I should just give up and go to sleep for the next few months.

So to quench my newfound and disturbing thirst for destruction, I made my way to the KDHK fundraiser Art Attack.  The show involved a bracket-style competition that pitted two paintings against each other with the winner of the always reliable applause-o-meter moving on to the next round.  The loser of each round was then auctioned off to the highest bidder.  If that bid didn't exceed $150, the painting would then meet a grisly demise.  Methods of destruction included your run-of-the-mill smashing, kicking, and chainsaws, but they got creative and also putting the paintings out to pasture with an evil Bob Ross covering the canvass in fake blood paint and a Nickelodeon-inspired sliming.

Proceeds from the event benefitted local public radio station KDHX, while watching the annihilation of art benefitted all involved except the artist responsible for the tattered canvas.

There's some good old fashioned destruction.

This awesome painting of Grover didn't win, but was sold in the auction for $600.  Luckily his new owner seemed legit and had a fantastic sense of humor with his "Relax, I'm hilarious" t-shirt.  You can tell he was a comic savant.

Songs Meant for Destructions

- "Search and Destroy" - Iggy and the Stooges

- "Destroyer" - The Kinks

- "1979" - Smashing Pumpkins

- "When I Paint My Masterpiece" - The Band's version