Drawing Some Blanks

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." - said Pepsi, Lady Gaga and Back to the Future II, each of which followed in the style and taste of their immediate predecessors.

But is there really any value or honor in impersonating or slightly altering an original product's idea? Sure, there is. Yes, it is antithetical to the vision we all have of ourselves as independent thinkers and innovators. But for every E.T. there's a somewhat less charming, yet somewhat entertaining B-movie like Harry and the Hendersons. The world needs cheap knock-offs, to keep things interesting. That's the mission statement behind the "original" Syfy channel movies.

For every gross original Hydrox cookie in America, there is a more delicious Double-Stuf Easter color Oreo cookie for us to pile into our mouth-holes by the bag-full. With all this in mind, I thought I would recreate create my own versions of some of the most popular video games of all time.

Editors Note: In the interest of journalistic integrity, I will admit to my actual reasoning behind these drawings. I had started to get too confident in my abilities to draw cartoons while looking at the actual cartoon characters on my computer screen. Therefore, I decided to challenge myself because I am a verifiable moron and thought I could succeed. I did not succeed....Instead I ended up with a few of my worst efforts in the world of art. I originally forgot to put ears on one of my video game characters, one of them is still missing an arm, and my continued inability to draw a believable hand is starting to keep me up at night. So I'll lie and say these were my cheap knockoffs of the original, brand-name characters.

Sonic the Humanoid

Sonic the Hedgehog was Sega's answer to Nintendo's Mario. They are similar in the way that Mario performs no plumber-ly duties in his game, and Sonic does nothing I have ever seen a hedgehog do. And I have seen a total of four hedgehogs on Discovery Channel shows! (none of which were blue)

Anyways Sonic attempts to foil his nemesis Dr. Robotnik's plans, while collecting rings and doing other strange things that Wikipedia reminded me about. Here was my recollection of what the old blue hair looked like before googling his image.

As you can see, I remembered Sonic, less as a hedgehog and more of a man with a blue mohawk, irregular sideburns and ski goggles. My failure at drawing the main character of one of my favorite games is a hard enough pill to swallow, but the icing on this crap cake is that I couldn't even draw legitimate circles for the rings above Sonic's head. The pointed ovals that I decided would pass at rings are just pitiful. I'm astounded that I actually stepped back from this drawing at first and said, "Hmmmmm, those rings will pass as circles. Why don't I color them in now and not try and fix them?" It's a good thing I didn't take Intro to Basic Shapes in college because that would have been a tough F to explain on my resume.

A Virtual Game of Catch

To be honest I rigged this one. If I couldn't draw a passable version of PONG, I would hope the person located nearest to me geographically would promptly put down their laptop, drive over to my house, chop both of my hands off and throw them in the nearest toxic-waste river because I clearly wouldn't deserve the gift of opposable thumbs, high-fives and anything else those extremities can do.

All I really did for this one was give it a more fitting name.

Super Mustache Bros.

I'm also very embarrassed of my failure to draw the most famous video game character in the history of video games. I play a fair amount of Mario Kart and have never owned a Cabbage Patch Kid. Yet somewhere between my foggy memory and my seemingly useless fingers, I drew a terrifying skeleton-faced Cabbage Patch lookalike who must have murdered Mario and stolen his outfit.

In all of the sequels and different video game versions of Mario playing sports there have been, I don't think he ever once gave the thumbs up, but I thought it would soften the soulless eyes I drew on him....it didn't. His lopsided eyes and yellow skin will haunt my dreams for eternity. I really don't know why I thought his overalls had the initials MBP (Mario Brothers Plumbing???), and I'm starting to think I likely did that due to a stroke I was having while drawing this picture. Either way I am thinking of writing a letter of apology to the Nintendo Corporation and paying reparations for any damages I have caused them.

Where in the World Is Carmen's Left Arm?

Parents always seem to feel terrible when they forget their children for a moment at the checkout line at Target. And I understand that. They probably should feel bad - forgetting a living, breathing thing, but remembering your bags of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Kashi bars is pretty awful.

But I'm not a parent, so instead of being responsible for another human's life, I am only responsible for writing clever birthday messages on my friend's Facebook walls and maintaining some common sense.

Despite my forgetfulness, that common sense should include knowing that when drawing Carmen Sandiego I should double-check to make sure I drew both of her arms. My common sense clearly failed me, and I amputated Carmen's left arm in my picture.

Brightside: it should be easier to find out where in the world she is now, as long as I follow the blueprint set forth in The Fugitive with their capture of the one-armed murderer.

Songs for Cheap Knockoffs
- "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" - AC/DC
- "Cheap Sunglasses" - ZZ Top
- "Cheap and Cheerful" - The Kills
- "Dream Police" - Cheap Trick
- "The First Cut Is the Deepest" - Cat Stevens